Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
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Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Favourite diary entry ever
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.