It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
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My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Yes my dude
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
yeah 😭
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?