Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
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*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess