I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
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Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
fourth time’s the charm
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to