Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
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Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
The opposite of Iceland is water water
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no