My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
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My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Current mood: Potato
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own