like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
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I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.