My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
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If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
how much for the angry fruit?
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.