Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
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It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.