Terribly Tuesday.
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If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.