why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
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Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
😅🤣😂
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
$3 #books
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”