To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
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Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
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5.awesome
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Y’all ready for this
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
me 2 months after i graduated
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”