Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
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Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Is this you?
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.