The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
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Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Okay me first
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
I used to be married, but I’m better now
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
You’re the water to my grease fire.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]