“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
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i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Sometimes? I’m slipping
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.