*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
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I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
“How’s your day going?”
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!