Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
You Might Also Like
Was it something I said?
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
yea so i messed up lol
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing