When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
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when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”