Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
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We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.