Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
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I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?