CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
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They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
What?!?
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work