That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
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“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
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“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies