[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
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What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine