Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
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You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
In banana years, I am bread.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes