Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
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kitchen magnet
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
I’m going to need a moment here.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Cool shirt 🙂
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,