“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
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Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Thinking about Jeff
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Love thy neighbor’s dog
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
😬
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?