So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
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[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.