What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
You Might Also Like
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.