“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
You Might Also Like
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.