Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
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Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
so this horse walks into a bar
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
They got a point!
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
oh shit
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.