*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
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There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles