If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
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THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.