Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
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Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
what is cheese if not milk persevering
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?