“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
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*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Bruh PLEASE
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s