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Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body