Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
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My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early