I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
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I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.