20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
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Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…