My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
You Might Also Like
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
this is literally a CIA plant
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
peak technology
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
So glad we cleared that up
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
💻🤡
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.