Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
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me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t