ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.