nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
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8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”