Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
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Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
i think we should see other cousins
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Had an epiphany today.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*