Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
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{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Not all heroes wear capes.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Harsh but fair
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?