A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
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Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best