If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
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Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.