“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
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Taliband
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”