me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
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abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!