[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
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If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I will never stop laughing at this
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Always the camel, never the toe.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.