me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
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Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
This is me
the chicken was already gone when I got here
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
*aggressively waits in line*
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not